“In a new situation, existing problems will more likely multiply than disappear”

Many women are accustomed to see universal salvation from all problems in the change of life circumstances. Everything is bad, but if you find a guy, life will work out. Better to get married. And if you have a child, then everything will be just fine. Is it really? Psychologist’s point of view Bren Brown.

In the process of research, the teacher of the University of Houston (USA) Brene Brown came to the conclusion that in the new situation any existing problems will more likely multiply than disappears. This usually happens immediately after the situation loses the charm of novelty. “For example, if you are not married and you have personal problems, then when you find your husband, you will have more problems. Of course, until the radiance of new love will fade, it can be imperceptibly, but, in the end, you will definitely feel it, ”the psychologist says.

The problems that a woman and a man bring with them to marriage are increasing. The same with children. Existing questions will become even more complex and confusing. For example, if the approval of parents was always important to you, then the appearance of the child will not change anything. On the contrary, there will be much more situations in which you will look for their support.

“I interviewed a woman for almost sixty years: at one time she married a guy who beat her. She did this, despite the fact that friends and family warned her that it was not worth doing this. In those days, she believed that as soon as they get married, he would begin to work on himself, try to get rid of aggression, ”says Brand Brown. But when their first son was born, the husband finally broke off the chain. And she could not complain to anyone and felt in complete isolation. “I really believed that marriage and children would change it. And she didn’t listen to anyone when she got married, she says. – It was terrible, but when there were more problems

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, I could not go to parents and friends, because they warned me. I stayed with him until he broke my nose and hand. Only then did I talk about the whole family – I just could not hide anymore. “.

There is an exit?

Of course, a person always has the opportunity for growth, but the life event in itself does not imply the desired changes. “The jealous after the wedding becomes even more jealous-the bets increased. A mother who wants children (even greatly matured) to do everything flawlessly, now awaits even more impeccability-now everything is truly, ”explains Brand Braun. So it turns out that the most welcome life events drive us in a corner: “If our hopes are not justified, this can become a source of the most unpleasant emotions,” the psychologist sums up. What to do? Accept the fact that people are imperfect, try to treat their fears and vulnerable places calmly. That is what the establishment of relations with other people that we need to live.